Thoughts on a Sunday Rainy Morning...

This is Christmas week.  I am not a religious person by any stretch of the word.  However, I am deeply spiritual or so I would call it.  There are defining moments in our lives...many defining moments and how we choose to use those is up to us.  Conversations we have whether they are voiced face to face or typed via some other medium can have an impact.  A question.  A statement.  Clarity.

Each of has the choice within us to decide what impact those defining moments have.  We can remain static.  Do nothing more then existing.  We can become the victim and let that consume us our entire lives.  Or...we can realize that how we react and deal with it is better.  Give one's self time to absorb the moment taking neither credit nor blame for it.  Moving forward in a positive direction.

For myself I have come to realize at this late stage of my life...this life the one I live now that it is intrinsic for me to pack as much into it as I possible can.  I never go backwards.  Always move forward.  A new adventure seems to always be around the next corner for me.  I breath in life and all that surrounds me and it emerges in my writing...in my photography and in my silks...each one has a part of me in them but then all that is the creative part of me does.

I am so fortunate to have learned what is important and no matter how difficult things/life can be and how choices can be painful at times...you just cannot choose to be static or a victim...active participation is what it's about....always going forward...always being true to the core of you.

Namaste

Roller Coaster...

up and down, over and over, spinning out of control and doing it all again.  What will stop this never ending ride on this roller coaster of life.  Just when I think I have it sorted out...then up and down, over and over, spinning out of control and doing it all again.  How many times?  How many ways?  Stop this roller coaster.

A Monday Pondering...

There are times when life is simply "crap".  No kind or easy way to describe it...it's sucks, it's revolting, it's horrid....but thru it sometimes there is a glimmer...just a little spark.  Someone appreciates the work you put into something that affects them.  Then I realize that in a small way I have affected their lives in a positive way.

And...then it affects me in a bigger positive way.

Monotone...

Monotone….

Do not think monotone really exists….you doubt me I’m sure…but you have to listen to the subtle tones that are beyond the monotone…listen…listen closely – monotone is a deception…hear beneath the obvious…hear with emotion…hear with passion….beyond the monotone.

The tones…subtle changes…the breath…the sigh…the hesitation…you think you can hide the variations in the timber…the range…but you cannot.

Your voice is sensual – that hint of aloofness that makes you even more haunting…more mysterious…closing my eyes…hearing you whisper in my ear…letting me drift off into that place where imagination soars….feeling your breath against me….

Monotone does not exist…I know your voice and the subtle tones that you speak….

Words...connections and other things....

Words....so many words.  Spoken.  Whispered.  Imagined.  What gives the validity to words?  The authenticity?  The person that speaks them.  If trust is lost....are their meanings the same?

Was hoping today I might find something very profound to write...but instead I think I shall add more to this little morsel of words...since I so love words....conundrum...enigma...complex vs complicated...and then there are the words between two minds...souls that find themselves inspite of all odds.  Conscious...the levels of awareness beyond what most people sense, live, experience.

I do not seem to be finished with this piece...keep coming back to the impact of words.  Simple words indeed.  Ones that leave an impact on me...for what reason I'm not sure.  Is it something I seek within the meaning of those simple words or is it something I want to read into them?

Yes...complex more then complicated.  Conundrum & enigma...perhaps.  On second thought definitely.  In the end...words make up my life...they are in my every thought..a part of my essence...

but words are part of everyone....they just may not understand the true impact...

Taking the high ground...

Taking the high ground is a double edged sword when you are in a no win situation.  Unfortunately, it becomes a damned if you are and damned if your don't situation.  Speak up and explain and get frustrated, not listened to, told you are being a crazy person and the cause of the other person's misfortune.  Perception is a fine line.  I've had the ability to stand aside from myself and look at a situation objectively not subjectively.  And, yet am accused of many things I am not guilty of.  I prefer to not fuel the "fire" of an argument or "discussion" by trying to be rational.

A no win situation that cannot be resolved no matter how much you want it to be.

Sadly...the pain will go away...the loss is still there...but time does heal.

A Saturday Morning...

Each day brings new realizations...new friends...new thoughts...old thought with a new perspective...never ending

But would we want that to end?  Of course not!  Part of all of that is the fact that it means you are learning.  You are expanding (no not your waistline) your mind.  Your spirit.

I want to wake up each day with a fresh perspective.  To see the world and things around me with wonder.  A smile on my face.  A twinkle in my eyes.

Meditation Writing...

I subscribe to this marvelous daily newsletter called Daily OM  put out by Madisyn Taylor (yes she is on Face Book).  Over the years I have enjoyed the daily thoughts and inspirations.  Since I do write yesterdays really struck me as most interesting.  Meditating and letting yourself go and thru creating...but creating without thinking about structure, grammar or spelling....just being free to let the meditation spire you and letting the thoughts in that moment....THAT moment.

As a writer or really as a creative being, I prefer to do my craft of writing alone.  Never have been one to sit in a "writing" group and talk about structure, or if this idea is better or that idea.  Not snobbish, not all into myself but my personal thoughts - again MY personal thoughts - is that I write for me.  If anyone else relates to my written scribblings, then I am so happy but writing like all arts is truly subjective.  For that reason too I chose not to join groups to have my works critiqued.  What I write, photo, create artistically is part of me.  Yes you can improve on technique but I have always found that I perfect my technique on my own not because someone else has told me how to do it.  I look.  I observe.  I read.  I improve.  I go beyond my boundaries.  I prefer the sometimes struggle it takes but then it is still me and this is simply my way of expression...my way of creating.

Namaste

Miraculous Nature...I am a wonderous miracle of life....sham

Sham....sham....sham  this is my mantra for this day.  Today I choose to accept myself.  I choose to be aware of what it is like to simply "be" without self judgement.  I choose to live each moment that I "am" is enough to sustain me forever......

Only a small piece of this mantra, of this awareness.

Today I choose love.

For some reason when I opened up today's meditation it reminded me of change.  How the things that seemed so important a year ago...even six months ago are no longer that important.  But is it change or is it that finally my mind, my spirit, my soul realizes what is important and moved toward that awareness....that acceptance of myself.  Perhaps without the influence of the external pressures.  Sometime to ponder.

I choose to live each moment.  I "am" is enough to sustain me forever...

My Mantra for this day - So Hum (I am)...

I started participating in a 21-day Meditation Challenge....today's meditation was "I am a radiant spiritual being" and the mantra is "So Hum" which means I am.

This meditation session reminded me of my very first attempt at poetry/prose.  It was called "What are you looking for?"  Here is the piece that truly started me writing in earnest.  (footnote:  I did add when this was published in my first Volume of Intimate Evolution:  One Woman's Journey current comments at the end referencing Eat, Pray, Love)  This piece is part of every book that I write.

What are you looking for….

My soul….

Where have you looked?  I have looked in the sky.  I have looked in the earth.  I have looked in the waters.  I have looked in the mountains and the hills.  And, did you find it?  No, I did not.  Look within….

So many years ago I wrote that.  Within the pages between the first page and the last page I wrote my prose and my poetry.  The last page was Have you found your soul?  And the simple answer was, looking back from this moment, profound.  And, it is only now some thirty years later that I understand how profound.  It was there all along and I was too consumed with the search that I failed to understand the true meaning of the answer….

I am my soul

And then I was consumed with raising two children, working, struggling, loving, being alone, being lonely and just existing.  Children grown up, now grandchildren, still working, finding some passions in my life (my artistic side) and still just existing, but starting that search again.

Looking for tranquility, serenity, calmness, peacefulness.  Tired of the drama of life and others…..knowing I was not where I was supposed to be.  Starting to understand that more then I ever have.  Starting to plan to change my environment.  Evidently I was not moving fast enough for the Universe.  I needed a wake up call.  A smack to make me take notice.  Within one year, the Universe had my attention and was taking charge – evidently I was just moving too slowly.

Physical pain beyond belief.  If I did not take care of my body, I would not be able to walk within a very short time.  That solution was hard – back surgery…..screws and bolts in my spine and bone grafts…Do I have your attention now?  Yes, Universe, you do. 

No more working in corporate America!  Do you hear me?  Oh, yes, I hear you.  This is hard for me you know, Universe.  It is not easy for me to still my body and most difficult to still my mind. 

What are you looking for?  I am looking for peace within me - contentment, tranquility, and serenity.  Simplicity in life.  And, have you found it?  I’m looking.  I am reading.  I am searching for that place on earth where I can achieve these things.  Be patient with me.  You had the answer many years ago when you were younger…..why don’t you see it?

I have been reading the book by Elizabeth Gilbert EAT, PRAY, LOVE – I labored thru the first segment “Italy” and am now reading India.  This segment was an epiphany for me.  I started to laugh out loud.

I remembered my early writings and the last page – I am my soul.  All that I search for is within me.  It’s not external.  I have the power to become peaceful, contented, tranquil and serene.  Open my mind and my heart.  Fear not the risk of letting people in. 

I am contentment. 

I am serenity.

I am tranquility.

I am at peace!

I am.

Simplicity in life.

Today I am open to the presence of miracles

That is my manta today....I am open to the presence of miracles...

There are miracles all around us.  Sometimes we just are consumed with life and everything around us instead of being able to see that there are so many miracles surrounding us every moment of our days.

I ponder why we all don't see more miracles each day.  Do we have blinders on?  Do we not feel?  Do we not hear?

Every where I turn there are miracles....namaste

On a summer day in western North Carolina

Like most days around here there is always the chance of thunder and even some rain.  Never seems to last long.  Stepped outside to get the mail.   Ohhh yes, North Carolina is humid.  A nice difference between the never humid or really hot Montana to this climate.  For me it's all part of the experiencing I want to do...cultural, climate, ambiance...all the subtle differences that each part of this vast country offers.  For now this is my moment and I am living in this moment with delight.

It's Wednesday!!!

Listened to the rain during the night...yes it woke me.  Unfortunately, the results of not sleeping deeply.  I enjoy gentle rain during the night.  It seems to get even more lush here with every drop of rain.  Certainly not like Montana.  There the moisture is soaked up instantly and the results...well not really visibable but I know the earth needs that moisture.

Just like rain music is the moisture that the soul needs.  Needs to become "lush" and fertile with creativity.  Certain tunes definitely do that for me and each day...sometimes many moments within the day...a particular genre will affect me and the creativity explodes with wondeer.

Classical guitar....jazz....blues...gypsy jazz...gypsy music....

A friend and I were chatting one day at our favorite coffeehouse in downtown St Paul.  The question at hand was if by some horrid chance one of your senses was taken away...is there one sense you could live without?  sigh...what a question to ponder...and hopefully never will happen.

The sense of smell...coffee...such a heavenly scent.   Touch...to feel the texture...to feel the touch of someone that loves you.  Taste...ahhh to taste a great Italian dish or Greek...a hot dog at the ballpark.  Then we got to hearing...the glorious sounds of nature...the city...voice..music!  Sight...the vibrant colors that the world offers us...the faces of passing strangers...the faces and the smiles of the ones we love...being an artist.

The sense of smell can when necessary compensate for another sense that is lost.  As can touch and taste.  Hearing and sight would be very difficult for me to lose.  I would rather not lose any of them.  I hope with all my soul that my senses all remain and that my mind remains sharp as ever so I have the commonsense never to take ANYTHING for granted.

Mending Fences and other things...

A fence is most likely the easiest thing to mend.  A hammer, nails, wood...and not forgetting to hit the nail and not your fingers or thumb!  Smiles  Other things are harder to mend.  When one is dealing with personalities, mindsets it's much harder.  Within it all then throw in perceptions and the waters get muddied.  Muddied worse then the Mississippi River as it flows thru St Paul, Minnesota on a summer day or when it's flood season.  I do remember that.

Sometimes all one can do is state the facts - you have no control over how another one feels about those facts or what motivates them.  It is out of your hands.  All one can do is know that within their heart and mind you know you were genuine.  You were honest.  You had no motives.  No hidden agenda.  But you cannot control what is on the other end.

Much harder to mend other things.  Much rather mend fences even if I miss with the hammer and I hurt my fingers or my thumb - that heals.  Not all things heal.

Not all things heal.

The Sun...The Breeze and...

There is nothing better then to hang clothes out on a summer day.  The fresh scent of clean air....after doing all my rinses to my silks, I hung these two from the line 20 feet above the back yard.  There is a small open porch and looks over the back yard.  Perfect place for the silks to enjoy the breeze.

Late Sunday Night Ponderings...

I did a very good weekend. Very productive. Got a lot done including fixing a great dinner. And now a glass of sangria and a peaceful night of sleep....sweet dreams...

Saturdays are soft on the spirit...

A lazy Saturday. Waking early in the morning. A morning rain already left it's footprint on the foliage. I spent a good portion of the morning creating in my little workshop with the door open to the back yard. Listening to birds chirp and the sun finally coming out to kiss the flowers still wet with dew. Two of my silks are now on their final phase of becoming art. They were gently rinsed and rinsed and rinsed....so many times I lost count. Then a gentle sudsing in warm water to set the natural dyes and then one finaly clear cold rinse. And, now, hanging from the clothes line flapping in the breeze for all to see - well the birds to see. And me to see. I never cease to be amazed when this step is in progress. The larger of the silks (which can be used as a belt or a shawl) has the intricate patterns showing now. Revealing what my muse did as the rust and the tannin wove the veins of art throughout the silk. Patterns. Lacing. Veining. Sometimes almost like marble. The darkness. The blueish tinge. The deep tones of rust. Every time I make a silk scarf it's hard to let it go. It's my art and I just hope that the person who becomes its new owner will see what I see in it. Beauty beyond words.

Late Night...

I had a long day and a hard week. Busy tho which is good. My creative muse started her process and created two silk scarves now drying and four more in the rusting and dyeing stages. Was a productive time. Even organized my desk and now I'm ready to go into full production.

North Carolina in the morning....

Was so nice to wake fairly rested this morning to the sound of a gentle downpour...my room was filled with the scent of fresh rain. The flowers in the front garden are blooming and later I will go out for more photos. Seems lately my focus has been on foliage and the florals in and around the house. Will be nice to venture out into the mountains that surround Hendersonville and with camera on my shoulder have new adventures. Oh the scent of fresh rain...good morning

What next for the Gypsy...

North Carolina...have never been here but then I had never been to Red Lodge, Montana either. Looking back...Red Lodge fulfilled what I needed to accomplish. Two prose books with my photos. A therapeutic experience to say the least. Now I'm ready to complete the third volume of Intimate Evolution: One Woman's Journey Vol III the Passions of Being. I landed by chance in Hendersonville, North Carolina. A quaint town of 12,000 maybe a bit more. Definitely a lot larger then Red Lodge Montana and even has public transportation Mondays thru Fridays. A bargain at 35 cents for a senior - service every hour up until 6 perhaps and doesn't run on weekends but none the less better then Red Lodge. IF I had not had to "root" my gypsy feet until my children were raised, this is how my life would have been BUT everything happens for a reason and perhaps I wasn't ready for this life at that time. Now I am and I embrace it whole heartedly. Everyone should be able to experience what I am. I now can say I have lived in every time zone of the USA - well ok - not Hawaii. West Coast, Mountain, Midwest and now Eastern. I was born and raised in Iowa and then left there at 18 years old. Sigh...smiles I thought I was ready for the world...but was the world ready for me. Not quite. It did throw me back to Iowa for a few years but that gypsy part of me needed to stretch...and stretch I did. Cedar Rapids, Iowa; Milwaukee, Wisconsin; Los Angeles, California: Orange County, California; Minneapolis & St Paul, Minnesota; Red Lodge, Montana; Hendersonville, North Carolina. And, still my gypsy spirit wants to expand and stretch even more. Where have I visited? St Thomas, Virgin Islands (oh to go back to that paradise); Montreal, Quebec Canada; Washington, DC; Espanola, New Mexico; Bradenton, Florida; and so many places...I have that wanderlust...therefore I am a gypsy....exploring, expanding and creating wherever my spirit takes me... Let YOUR spirit soar...

A new adventure...

December 31st until March 30th I spent in Minnesota. Reconnecting with my friends, art friends and family. I also firmly believe that before one can start a new adventure/journey that a time of hmmmmm grieving of sorts needs to take place. Have that belief when one relationship ends also. A time to reconnect with the inner me and resolve the present. A period of simple tranquility. The three months went by quickly. Was so good to reconnect. And now the new adventure...

Thank you everyone for following me on my journey...it is, after all, a very intimate evolution and only one woman's journey thru this life.

Here we are April of 2013...the Red Lodge adventure is over and I left there on December 30, 2012...a fitting time since I never do New Year's Resolution but instead change my life.  Sometimes the change is barely noticeable and then again it is life altering....like this move.

Red Lodge taught me alot...about myself....others...and what I need and want.  I need lush green surroundings...sunshine...warmth...a magic place....

Well...time for a new adventure! Yes almost two years in Montana and now I have come down from the mountain to be in Minnesota briefly and then on to Asheville, North Carolina....